My Two Worlds

Sometimes I open a new post and decide to write whatever comes on my mind, to let my fingers connect directly to my mind and do all the work without me interfering. Then when the minute of publishing comes, I never publish it. My thoughts are always not connected, I always run from one idea to another, from one memory to another and I don't reach any conclusion. This is one of those times, I'm writing what's on my mind, and if you're reading this, then note that I've published this after my head exploded of thinking whether to publish it or not. Yes, it's one of those insecure moments....

I'm stuck in two worlds, and hiding from my own little world. I'm stuck between the past and the future, never giving myself the chance to think of the present or enjoy it. Some people live for the moment, I'm doing the exact opposite, I'm living for anything other than the present moment. I sometimes wonder what happened to me? Why am I doing this to myself? Maybe I'm not living the most wonderful days of my life, maybe the past was way better than the present. Maybe I'm hoping for a better future than today. But I know one thing, I'm wasting my life instead of living it! It's like this....

Sometimes I feel that I want to see into the future, that I want to go to tomorrow, check out what's going to happen then come back to today and react only according to what I've already known. Sometimes I feel like I want to know the complete absolute truth, with zero wondering. Sometimes I feel that I only want yes or no answers, no maybes, no I don't knows. Sometimes I feel like I want probably to be definitely, maybe to be sure, I don't know to be I know. Sometimes I feel like my mind has no space for getting ready to accept both the yes and no scenarios. Sometimes I feel like I'd never do anything anymore unless I'm sure of the results. That I will never give up on anything unless I'm sure it's not going to work. Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in this world way too much that I don't do anything at the present moment to reach this world!

Sometimes I feel like I want to go back to the past, do things differently according to what happened today. Not that I'm regretting anything I've done, but sometimes doing the right thing is not what you want to do, what if doing the wrong thing would've made me happier right now? Sometimes I want to go back to the past to relive the best days I have ever lived, to do it all over again, to enjoy every moment all over again. Sometimes I want go back to the past to say something that I haven't said, feel something I haven't felt, live a moment that I haven't lived, shed a tear that I have never cried. Sometimes I want to go back to the past to appreciate life's gifts more, to love every moment more, to never hurt anyone, to never hurt myself, to never give up on anything, or just say that I've given up.

Sometimes I feel like I'm midway between two happy parts of my life; the past and the future and I want the present to pass and the future to come so I can be as happy as I used to be all over again. But the future won't be as happy unless I do something now, in the present. Sometimes I feel like I don't know what to do, like I got lost along the way, that I want to go back and find the turn I've missed. Sometimes I feel like I want things to magically change and the future becomes the present and good becomes the best. Sometimes I feel like I want to witness a miracle, to see things change to the better magically right before my eyes. Sometimes I hate the present so much because I feel helpless, useless, effortless.

Many times do I feel that I want to know all the unknown, I want nothing to be unknown. I always create signs in my mind and believe them in order to know the unknown. I believe things, anything, I believe whether or not I should believe. I refuse to give up, I'd rather keep believing until I'm sure. If I'm ever going to be sure. How can I be sure of the future? Only a few times do I think what I should do in the present to get back my past to my future. Never do I find an answer, and I keep trying to live in my two worlds, the ones I love too much to give up on, while I'm stuck in the middle in a part of life that doesn't exist in my worlds, I'm stuck in the present. Stuck in that thing they call the gift, waiting for my miracle to take me away from that gift to live forever in my wonderful worlds....

Comments

  1. AnonymousSeptember 6, 2011 at 10:56 AM

    mmmm

    I suffered such a stuck (that shouldn't mean that u r suffering, but I was) so I'll try to write what happened till things got better.

    1) Regretting the past and things u did in the past is not completely wrong :) the wrong is when it makes u too busy to live the present. Do you believe in Fate? ما أخطأك ما كان ليصيبك و ما أصابك ما كان ليخطئك.
    and if you changed one event, only one thing from the past, maybe you wouldn't be that pure , courage, kind, and Powerful person people know now.

    the past is sequence of events which created our personalities that we r living now.( I hope u got it) Don't regret it at all and Thank Allah that it went that way ;)
    الدنيا ليست بدار بقاء حتى نندم على ما فاتنا "منهااو نعتقد ان عطاء الله و منعه يكون عن رضا او سخط!! انما الدنيا دار عبور الى دار البقاء و هناك فقط يعتبر عطاء الله ومنعه رضا وسخط"

    I hope this quote helps you, but I don't think you have a problem with that but the reply is for everyone though, right?




    2) regarding the future... Come on who doesn't wish to go to the future, know some of the events will happen there and come back work accordingly?!! You know what's much better?? is to imagine a certain future and live the present trying to make it.. Believe in Allah.

    You already know that, right? but the idea is in making decisions. A friend told me be4 it's all about being a decision maker. The ones who don't take decision are always late.

    Relax your mind and let Allah take care of all the details and unknowns =) 'cause the unknowns are like an ocean and you is a cup =) Don't try to drink all the Ocean by the cup!! or it'll break!

    no one is sure of the future. but we Believe in Allah that it'll be the best thing to happen.

    لما كانت كتابتك نتاج افكار متلاحقة فوجدت انه وجب على ان اكتب افكارى المتلاحقة أيضا

    Thanks for the post it speaks my mind.

    ReplyDelete
  2. MariamSeptember 6, 2011 at 2:22 PM

    Thanks for your wonderful comment =). I actually agree and believe every word you wrote. It was just one of those days, a moment of weakness. And I still don't regret anything that happened in the past, I'm sure it all happened for a reason. And I know that doing the right thing isn't always what we want to do, but I also know that doing the wrong thing would've never made anything right. Maybe I would've been regretting it in the present for some reason, so I'm better off knowing that I've done the right thing =).

    I believe God has helped do the right thing, I believe he chose what's best for me, like he has always done and always will =). And even though the past might have been better, I'm still happy and fine, no suffering elhamdolelah =). Thanks again.

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousSeptember 6, 2011 at 4:36 PM

    You're so welcome Your "Ten Years" Post speaks for you.

    And keep good friends around you all the time so they can help you when you feel weak.

    عنّ النَّبِيَّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ , قَالَ : " عَلَيْكُمْ بِالْجَمَاعَةِ ، وَإِيَّاكُمْ وَالْفُرْقَةَ ، فَإِنَّ الشَّيْطَانَ مَعَ الْوَاحِدِ ، وَهُوَ مِنَ الاثْنَيْنِ أَبْعَدُ ، وَمَنْ أَرَادَ بُحْبُحَةَ الْجَنَّةِ فَعَلَيْهِ بِالْجَمَاعَةِ " .
    http://www.islamweb.net/hadith/display_hbook.php?bk_no=282&pid=54315&hid=76

    وربنا يثبتنا واياكى

    ReplyDelete
  4. MariamSeptember 6, 2011 at 5:39 PM

    Thank you =)

    ReplyDelete

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