That Night

It was a sad cold night, I sat there, on the floor of my room, head looking up, knees close to my chest hands on my throat, I felt like I couldn't breathe, the walls were closing in. I couldn't hold on anymore, I had to leave, I had to go. I got up and went out to get some air. It was late, the streets were so quite, so dark, so cold. I didn't know where to go, but I knew that I don't want to get back. The scene kept playing on repeat before my eyes, no matter what I did, no matter where I looked, I only saw him saying his last words. The words that ended our love, the words that stabbed me with the sharpest of knives. Tears started to fall and I couldn't stop, I didn't want to. I walked faster and faster, further, away from my problems, away from my life. But no matter where I went, I saw nothing but his face telling me that it's over, for good.

I didn't know where I've gone to, I have been drowning in my thoughts, in that scene, and I didn't know where my legs took me. I looked around and saw nothing, it was too dark to see. I sat down and cried and cried until I was out of tears. I got up and started to run, the more I ran, the darker it became, I ran and stumbled and almost fell, then ran again and stumbled again, then carried on again. My mind wasn't there, it was busy trying to keep my scream from getting out. Then I finally fell, and didn't get up. How I wished I could die at that moment so I can end this misery. It's been a year and I sat and analyzed and listed and planned and wondered every single day, every single night, but I always reached nothing, why did he leave me? Why didn't he love me back? What's wrong with me? What made him change his mind in a blink of an eye? I gave him everything, and he just... left. I couldn't hold my scream any longer, before I could stop myself I let out the loudest scream I could. I could hear it's echo over and over, a million times over, but it felt like nobody else did. The world didn't move, nobody reacted, no flats turned on their lights. Either everyone was asleep, or.... I'm locked up alone in my own little world.

At that moment I felt that I'm in denial. A year had passed and I've lived that year without him, I didn't die as I thought I would. I've spent my everyday thinking about him and wondering how to bring him back although he made it clear that he never would. I was so ashamed of myself that I couldn't tell anybody about it and so I got locked up in my own little world, while on the outside, to the rest of the world, I looked just fine. And with everyday of planning and dreaming and wishing and hoping and doing nothing, I felt my world closing in on me. I never did try to win him back, yet I never stopped wanting him back, or planning our lives when we're back together. I needed this to stop, but I didn't know how to stop it. I got up, and went back home.

The minute I saw light, I decided that now is that time to bring my life back on track, to get out of this little world of mine that has become too small for me to live in, and live in the real world, the one where I belong. I took my little world with me, and went out to either welcome it along with me, or throw it all behind and get back to life. I knew where he'll be right now, for years we've met at that place before we went to work, and this is where I'll find him today.

I got there five minutes early, stood close enough to see him entering, far enough for him not to see me. The clock ticked 8:30, and I saw him get in. I had a quick glimpse of his face, but it was enough to bring back all the feelings of all the years we've spent together. It was enough to bring back all the hurt of how much I missed him this past year. It was enough for me to see that something was different, although he looked exactly the same.

I got closer to the door and waited for him to come out. The five minutes he spent inside were the longest five minutes of my life. I kept thinking of how different he looked, and I wondered, is it the light in his eyes? The one that he always said lit only for me? Could it be? But then came the big question... if he took me back, deep in me will I ever be able to forgive him for all the hurt he had caused me this past year? But... it's my fault, I'm the one who didn't try hard enough, I'm the one who didn't try to prove how much I loved him. But.... he left me, he didn't even try to listen. It's not my fault, it's his but I'll forgive him... If he takes me back.

The opening of the door brought me back to reality, he was coming out before I was ready for him. He looked so business-like. Wearing that suit we bought together, holding his briefcase in one hand, but not the one I gave him for his birthday. And a cup of coffee in the other hand, and I knew exactly what was in that cup; double cappuccino with hazelnut topping. The door has closed and I was standing right in front of him, I tried to speak, but words wouldn't come out. He stood there looking at me, not knowing how to react, then opened his mouth to say something, but only said my name. I knew it's now or never, I had to do it now, if not win him back, then to win my life back...

"I love you... I still love you". He looked at me, he looked worried, he looked like he didn't know how to reply, "I...", he seemed to not find any words to say. I tried again, "I can't say that I died inside when you left me, but I can say that I felt so bitter. I can't say I got lost, but I can say that I lost a part of me. I can't say that life was at it's worst, but I can say that I lost all my light. I can't say that I'm here to beg you to take me back, but I can say that I'm here to let you know that I want to be back with you, that I love you and will always do, that I'm willing to try harder if you do too. I can't say that I'll make your life perfect, but I can say that I'll try my best to make our lives the happiest I can. I'm here to try to win you back, I'm here because you deserve another try, because I don't want to waste anymore time without you. But if you decide that you want nothing to do with me, then I will let myself out of my denial, and let it all go, I will not turn back." He looked at me, searched me again and again. I knew that look so well, but I could have never known what he was thinking. His lips turned into the tiniest of smiles and I didn't know what that smile meant, it felt like I don't know the person anymore. He took a deep breath, and said "walk with me to the park."