Be Free, Part Three: Love and Other Obsessions

There is a fine line between love and obsessions... Excess of love toward something or someone is an obsession. Yes, love is infinite but it is where this love is directed that makes it infinitely healthy. Since the strongest types of love is a partner to partner love, this is what I'm going to use as an example.

There are three phases of love, and each phase can turn this love into an obsession:

Looking for love

We all want to be in love and to be loved back, having a lover is like life's candy. But of course we're not all necessarily in love all the time. What happens when we're not in love is that we search everywhere for that love. Some might want to be in love because of how good it feels, because that's how life should be, because they want to find the right person to make a family with, etc. Others, who need to find love will have their whole lives revolve about this aim; to find a person to love. Their reasons for needing rather than wanting could be the same reasons mentioned above but with a greater attachment, or they might have other reasons. One reason is that when you reach a certain age, having a partner would be being a part of "the mainstream", if you don't have a partner you'll be given weird looks, sometimes even discriminated against, maybe even some will feel sorry for you. How most societies treat singles at a certain age makes many feel desperate to find love, or a partner for that matter. Another reason might be the need for someone to rely on. And when a want turns into a need, that's when we should look for an obsession. Those who need love will not only see a possible partner in every person they meet, but will also try to act in a way that would make them be liked or loved, to waste so much energy on trying to find a lover, and may even go into fake love relationships just for the sake of having a lover. Yes, it's normal to want love, but to have it control you... that's where many problems start.

Being in love

When you're in love with a person we say you're attached to that person. How powerful this attachment is does NOT resemble how much you love them. They say love is blind, but it is not true, love sees it all. It's obsessions that are blind, that see a person as the best in the world, who knows everything (including what's best for yourself). Sometimes even some see it as ownership; "I belong to him and he belongs to me". I am never able to see this kind of obsession as a proof of a strong love because being strongly in love is seeing all the flaws, yet loving them. It is being able to live without someone, yet choosing to live with them. Obsessions mean nothing but hurt and negative feelings, and maybe jealousy. Which takes us to the third phase...

Breaking up

Most of us have gone through a break up or two, or even worse, have been dumped. Imagine being obsessed with a person as much as explained above, how would one feel when that person is not there anymore? The answer is so complicated yet it lies in one word: emptiness. You'd feel like your life is over, like the wall you were leaning on has collapsed, like the best person in the world has left you because you don't deserve them, like you'll never be able to love again, like you're going to spend your whole life waiting for that person to call you again when you know they'll never call. You will forget that if that person doesn't love your good and your bad then s/he doesn't even deserve you. You will forget that the right person, who is way better than the person who left you, is out there waiting for you to find them. You will forget that the person who ends a call will not start a new one for no reason. You'll be obsessed by wanting that person back, and in the process you might miss finding yourself again.

So what are we supposed to do? Find the middle way.

Try to find a lover, but don't make it your aim in life. Look for a true partner in every person, but give it the right amount of attention. Love a person, but refrain from having obsessive views about them. Believe in your love, but don't make your life depend on it. Give to your lover all you want, but don't give them your life. Speak to them of all the good of your love, but also speak of the bad. Take your time to be heartbroken, but focus your concentration in getting out of it as soon as you can. Don't be too hard on yourself, but make the right effort to end the pain.

They say a person can never forget someone they once loved. And they also say that a person can truly love only once.